


it's 4 a.m. and you're telling me about how easy it would be to disappear

by FlyMeHome



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non AU, Sad, Sad Louis Tomlinson, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26642509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyMeHome/pseuds/FlyMeHome
Summary: things change, even though neither harry nor louis want them to.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	it's 4 a.m. and you're telling me about how easy it would be to disappear

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings, check tags. body image, etc. may add more as story continues
> 
> stay safe!

it confused harry to watch louis, _his louis_ , lose himself like that. always the most grounded person, always the loudest, always cheering others up- and it hurt him to know that all this time, he had been so preoccupied by everything else, he didn’t even see his sunflower, his light, his sweet creature, his world, his universe, crumble. just like that.

ever since the x-factor days, harry was aware that there was something uncanny about the boy, this cheer about him that was far too cheery to be natural, him always being there for everyone, always knowing exactly what to say, always being able to lift the mood.

they naturally came together, admitting their feelings for each other quickly, and it was meant to be. they both had their own worries and had to focus on music as well as succeeding as a band, but it provided them both solace, that they had each other. someone that loved them and someone to love. but even after they became exclusive, there was still something about louis that harry couldn’t pull apart.

he knew that it messed with louis’ confidence to have the least solos when they were still competing, but he was always able to smile and bear it, so he figured that it couldn’t have bothered louis _that_ much. this talented, happy boy couldn’t possibly have truly believed that he didn’t bring anything to the group. anyone with working ears could tell he was crucial. so there’s no way that louis thought otherwise.

right?

so when he wakes up to take a wee and finds the boy awake, alone, tears clinging to his eyelashes, sat at the window, he doesn’t know what to say. he sneaks up on louis, snaking his arms around him from behind. louis just forces a smile so tight that anyone would be able to tell was fake and tired, and it hurts harry even more to realize how high the walls surrounding louis were. he asks harry to go back to bed and harry obliges, leaving the sniffling boy alone again.

he notices how louis doesn’t let getting changed around the rest of the boys, unlike him, who had the habit to get naked at any given moment. and when their relationship becomes more intimate, there were days louis would look more tired, more dragged down by the world, and shy awake from harry’s touch, stiffen up when hands would near his thighs or stomach.

but when harry asks the blue-eyed boy about it, he’d only tell him that he was imagining things, that he was fine and that he _wants_ to be touched by harry, but just prefers taking it slow.

it got worse when fans started endearingly teasing the boy’s tummy, voicing how they loved it, but he could tell from being the closest to louis anyone has been to that he would wince at every comment, in such a way that no one would notice unless they looked for it, before smiling and laughing with the fans.

but when he thought he was alone and harry was asleep, he’d sneak out of bed and strip in front of the mirror, critiquing every little flaw about his body- flaws that harry couldn’t find no matter how hard he looked. but that’s not what louis saw about himself.

of course, harry wanted to comfort his boyfriend about the whole situation, but there was just _so much_ going on, and every time he hardened his will enough to confront the boy, louis would always sneak away, change the subject, or something would come up and they would have to go to a meeting or start another writing session. and harry didn’t want to push him.

so he didn’t.

but they were always each other’s comfort, so harry wanted to trust louis to be able to come to him about his problems when he was ready. so he decided to drop it and cuddle louis like always, watching _love, actually_ for the umpteenth time.

“babe?”

“what’s up, H?”

“you love me, right?”

“obviously.”

they spent most nights in together like this. sharing popcorn, sharing drinks, sharing blankets, sharing kisses and cuddles and everything else. and this was all they needed, really.

the most memorable night from when they first started was when harry decided to let louis cook. both knew it would end in disaster, but it was cute, so that’s all that mattered to the younger boy.

“no, lou. you’re supposed to season it a little more so it doesn’t taste so bland,” harry pouts, wanting to take over.

“trust me with this one, hazza,” louis pleads with puppy eyes, suppressing a smile, to which of course harry couldn’t say no.

“fiiine. but if it tastes like sand that’s on you, love.”

of course, the chicken wrapped in parmaham with the side of homemade mash would be hardly edible to anyone else, but the chicken was wrapped in not only parmaham, but also memories and love. so to harry and louis, nothing could taste better.

and just like that, all their worries fly right out of their minds, and that peculiar night which harry found his boy looking so alone was forgotten. because all that matters is that they were happy right now. the fans were beginning to catch on, which both boys found very amusing, and wanted to egg them on a bit more so that they could come out someday _(until they realized this was only a dream)._

but there were bad days. days where nothing would seem to work out and they’d end up in screaming matches or walking out on each other (of course, only to come back an hour later with wet apologies) _(until it doesn’t)._

things get worse when touring became even more taxing and all the boys were experiencing symptoms of fatigue. he wanted to take care of louis like louis always took care of him, always flew to his side when something wrong happened, like when he suddenly felt ill on stage, louis caught on right away and slipped a hand around the small of his back and led him backstage where no one could see them, allowing him to empty his stomach and empty his nausea. it was probably the thrill and the large amount of food he had consumed before the show catching up to him. louis showed no sign of discomfort about his vomit.

the band had two hotel rooms usually, three to one and two to another, so obviously harry and louis always shared. because they were _harryandlouis_. ever since that night at the x-factor house, harry’s always kept a closer eye on louis. it was actually a common occurrence for louis to not be able to sleep, as harry would feel him getting out of bed frequently, shuffling around, using the restroom, but harry never thought much of it, nor could he really, if he wanted to. because tour life was always so tiring. he’d wake up to louis getting out of bed, only to be soothed back to sleep by his boyfriend’s soft voice ushering him back into the world of dreams.

the concert was a massive success. it was their last show before a short, well-deserved break, where they’d just be going back home and relaxing for a bit before getting back with the flow. it was a great show, really. the fans loved it, cooing over not-so-secret glances shared between harry and louis, the not-so-subtle touches, the smiles that seemed to say things only those two would understand.

it all came crashing down when at the end of the concert, where louis was whisked to the side by management, which worried the green-eyed boy, only met by dismissive smiles that he knew said “don’t worry about it, love.”

when the boys took planes to return to their families; niall to ireland and the rest of the boys back to england, there was a change of plans. harry was so excited to have this whole break to himself and louis- no cameras, no paparazzi, no performances, no fame, no nothing. but they were all told by security that louis had to fly to LA for business. of course, it seemed odd to the rest of them, as they had _just_ completed weeks of so-called “business.” but they just accepted it, knowing that louis had his own circumstances.

louis returned to his hometown just a few days later, seeming just as excited as usual in his texts, and everyone was relieved. that is, until articles about him and eleanor were published and talked about everywhere on social media, which the boys found odd- because this hadn’t been mentioned to them before. and at the time, they all saw louis as a very open person.

only later did they realize this was far from true, and only later did they realize that during this trip, while they were on holiday, management had put louis through 8 straight hours of media training, consisting of watching all the old interviews, and pick out the parts where he acted a bit too flamboyant, a bit too “gay,” a bit too _much_. louis had always known he was too much. too much for everyone to handle. but this only reinforced that. it broke their heart to see the older boy change so quickly. but no one could really do anything about it, as they were chained by a contract to listen.

as the weeks passed by, it grew more and more painfully obvious that the boy was weighed down by something. they still had two more weeks of idling, but whenever harry and louis would try to meet up, there was always something off about the boy, harry noticed. he just wasn’t present. ever.

one can only take so much of it. they still had a week left of their break remaining, but harry couldn’t stand this tense atmosphere that enveloped them every time they spoke. so he confronted his boyfriend on the phone.

“lou, you can’t keep dealing with this on your own.”

louis only smiled his tight-lipped smile ( _fakefakefakefakefake)_ , which harry could hear through the speaker, and dismissed these worries. “i’m fine, i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“you’re shutting me out.”

“i’m telling you everything, harry.” this only made the green-eyed boy more furious. it just felt so unfair.

“you’re not telling me _shit_ , lou. what are you talking about? i don’t know anything about you. it’s like we’re not boyfriends.”

“well, h, you have to understand. we’re hardly allowed to see each other anymore with the risk of being caught together right now. i’m supposed to be on holiday with eleanor right now, for fuck’s sake! what do you want me to do, love?” louis said, shakily, scolding himself internally for sounding so fragile.

“i want you back, louis.”

“i’ve never left. but if you feel that way, maybe we should take a break.” as soon as those words slipped past the boy’s lips, he wanted to swallow them back down, but it was too late.

“so you never cared in the first place,” harry said, dripping with angry hurt. “if this is so easy for you to let go then i don’t know why i even tried.” he hung up, and immediately shrunk in upon himself. he didn’t understand what about him just wasn’t reliable enough for louis to lean on. this wasn’t how he wanted it to end. so he told himself that he didn’t need louis if louis didn’t need him.

so they went through the rest of their break without so much as a message.

they met again for their third tour as a band, but couldn’t talk to each other outside of what was considered work. niall, liam, and zayn were able to sense this tension as well, so they tried their best to dissolve it, though unsuccessful. on camera, harry and louis seemed natural. they had to. but nothing was right, nothing felt right, and everything hurt.

it was when louis passed out during an interview that harry forgot everything that was going on between them and flew to his side.

the boy had looked pale and harry could tell that his hands had been shaking the entire day. but he willed himself to ignore it- they hadn’t talked to each other voluntarily for weeks. it was painful, and the green-eyed boy longed for those gentle touches and glances again, but just pressed those thoughts away. after all, _louis threw him away._

but he couldn’t do _nothing_ when he watched the small boy (smaller than he remembered, and _oh how did he ever let himself get to that point?)_ crumple to the floor headfirst from his chair and the deafening crack from his head colliding with the tile.

“cut the cameras! stop recording! what the fuck are you guys doing?” harry growled as the everyone sat incredulously, not knowing what to do. not even liam, who was usually the first to mother everyone. harry bent next to the unconscious boy and whisked him up like he always did when they would get ready for bed back at home, and felt his own heart sting and his head pound when he realized how _light_ his boyfriend (not boyfriend?) was. _he hasn’t been eating._

harry was just standing there speechlessly for what felt like ages when they announced that an ambulance had arrived. they hadn’t let him on with louis until he urged that he was the boyfriend, to which the nurse simply had no choice but to oblige.

they found that that louis’ state was a result of malnourishment and fatigue, and recommended that he get treatment for mental health. but when he came to, he smiled and insisted that he had just been forgetting to take care of himself with the upbeat pace of promo and work, that it was nothing serious. no one believed him, but no one could say a word to change louis’ mind.


End file.
